Not Enough

There is a journey when you get to meet a new face. There is awkwardness of so many silent moments that not knowing a person cant quite fill. There is a time when you hang around them and you make up questions to just play a game. Theres moments when your not sure what exactly to say, or if they will think your crazy with the jokes you make. There is moments when your not sure you willing to spend the time to get passed this stage of a new face

There is all this effort made to build up to laughter and friendship. Then you feel it changing slowly... you see the moment when silence becomes less obvious and you start to slip into this comfy place. Where a new face becomes critical to your day.  When seeing them makes you miss them in every way. You start to realize the silent moments are filled with memories and the awkwardness has disappeared away.

You know this new face. You know their dreams, their goals, you know secrets that they have never told. You can hear their laughter even when they are not near. You know how they feel even when they try to hide their expressions. You know what makes them mad and what buttons to push just for fun. You know this person and they steal parts of your heart every day. You watch the way they treat others and know their intentions. You know how caring they are and what they would do for you with out mention. You know them... Atleast you think you know them.

But... One day it wont be enough. It wont be enough for you to be you and for them to laugh at the same jokes you tell. It wont be enough to give your friendship and be willing to do anything for them. They will want more. The more you can give. The pain will rush in and you will watch as all the time and all the memories get washed away. Like they didn't seem to exist in the first place. You will wake up one day and feel this pain in your chest and feel it pulse to your finger tips and you will hurt but you wont quite remember. The emptiness will only just linger.

Tears.

Theres a point when the strength you have starts to slip through your grip. When you thought the storm was calming and the clouds were clearing. When the sounds of agony were coming to a close.
Then you find yourself alone.
Alone with the thoughts that the damage can not be repaired. Alone with the thumping pain that radiates in your chest out and down to your finger tips. Alone with the warmth once more rolling down your cheeks and your sight becoming a little more unclear. Alone with emotions that you cant seem to bare.
Then the memories wont stop.
They wont stop running through your mind. They wont stop calling at your name, filling every corner of your mind. They wont stop reminding you of what you miss what you thought you would never need. They don't stop to let you catch your breath, they flash images at an uncontrolled speeds. They don't stop long enough to put up walls. The memories don't stop until they make your Knees buckle and bend. Leaving you Bruised and broken in the end...
Then the tears began to fall.

Strength

What can you say about strength. I can tell you how people define it about me. I can tell you what I hear so often I sometimes believe it to be a dream on repeat. "I wish I was as strong as you"I hear that echoing through my head... As strong as me? Where is your definition of strength coming from. You see me. You watch the actions I preform day in and day out. You say strength is dedication. You say strength is working out. You say strength is waking up early. You say strength is working hard. You say that strength is trying new things. You say strength is changing your life. You say strength is walking away from people that don't seem to fit your lifestyle. You say strength is never giving in. You say strength is me..So.. What is strength? If I am strong, by what people define me as. Strength is second guessing. Strength is being so tired but getting up to live another day. Strength is breaking down. Strength is crying harder that most people understand. Strength is not knowing who you are. Strength is being lost in your own thoughts. Strength is doubting what love is. Strength is wishing for a different sin. Strength is falling apart. Strength is not always being sure. Strength is never knowing how to be who I need. Strength is wondering how to live. Strength is wanting to run away. Strength is not knowing if I wanna wake up the next day... Have we defined it yet? There is nothing more real than our strong desire to define everything, but is the definition real? or... Is it just real because someone defined it?

Battles within ourselves are real. Love is real. Thoughts, feelings, pain, suffering, happiness, peace, and change are real. Whats real to you, and whats real to me. Those things will always be different. Never forget how different we are. The battle for happiness in life is shared, but I see your path and it is not mine. I see his path and it is not mine. I see her path and it is not mine.. The only thing that is mine I have not found yet but I am not done searching.



“The first step to change,... is accepting your reality right now. Honoring your process. Compassionate self-awareness leads to change; harsh self-criticism only holds the pattern in place, creating a stubborn and defensive Basic Self. Be gentle with yourself as you would with a child. Be gentle but firm. Give yourself the space to grow. But remember that the timing is in god's hands, not yours. page~147” 
― Dan Millman, Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior

Loves a fight

Here we go again.. with a head full of thoughts and a heart full of emotions. I notice how mad people get about love. I see it every day. New love, Old Love, Destroyed love, Broke Love, and Tender love. People that dont believe love exists. People that think love never stays for long. People that think love will never stick around in another ones heart. People that think love can't happen more than once. People that want love in multiple people. People that let love run.
What exactly makes the difference than a summer fling and that couple thats 50 years deep? I can tell you what I think that is, but that really needs to be defined by YOU. I think people mistake love for something it really isn't.  It CAN be magical for some time but the magic wont stay on its own. Just like when you stop going to the gym, that muscle isn't going to stick around for long. Love takes work, sometimes brutal pain throbbing work, but what doesn't take that kind of work when we want it really bad.
I think everyday how I wake up on a battle field and how I am going to make it through. What moves I am going to make and what I am going to let hurt and what I wont let affect me. The point is the battle is different everyday, Love is constantly changing. We have to keep our hearts open and hold patients and understanding within us and show it when it is needed.
I think a lot of times relationships crash because we want that feeling of new love, because that is everyones favorite kind of love. The adrenaline rush of butterflies and new feelings and new experiences, thats why people cheat, because it feels new and exciting. In a real relationship that will fade the more and more you get to know someone. If you give in to someone else than the one you love you get to experience those new feelings... for how long? A month. You'd give up someone you have got to know and knows you and loves you for a momentary pleasure. What real love holds is the butterflies of surprise of a growing love. Everyone thinks they want that New love because they havent gave Growing love a chance.
Growing love is what 50 years later holds strong. Love that can knock us off our feet over and over because we never stopped fighting for it. It truly is the fight.


"Then maybe we'll be lucky
If we forget our regrets
The things we did
That we never really meant

Maybe we can say it's a good day
Finally realize that
There is no such thing as a yesterday

As far for the future, I know this
Tomorrow is a wish
And it don't exist, uh

Don't make plans
Cause that's just open
Don't make promise
Because they get broken
Let's just take it one day at a time
And live our lives" - Jason Reeves


Love exists moment to moment. Once we take our eyes off that moment we see things we dont need and we think that if we leave there is something better, But Love dont Run.

"Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night cause
This is gonna make us stronger, it’s gonna make forever longer
I know it’d be easier walking away but what we got is real
And I wanna save us, baby we can do it, Baby we’ll get through it 'cause...


Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough, it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Baby love don’t run


So come over here and lay down in my arms
Baby tell me everything that’s on your heart, 'cause...


I won’t run, and I won’t hide
I won’t turn away, I just wanna make things right
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough it won’t give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run" -Lee Brice

I am here to fight and I dont give up. Ill never give up on the one that is true.

Relativity

What do we really have? What chances have we really got? Who is really there around us? How much control do we really have? I guess these are the questions alot of us really ask ourselves. I might just be the only one actually. I just have this huge heart in me I know its big. I want so many things and I know I can have all of them, depending on my effort and my dedication.

I want it all so bad. I want it with such an intensity that it brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I ask myself if everyone is like this, if they care with such a huge portion of their heart. I know we dont really feel with our heart, but it represents something so special. I think the most profound thing that came to my mind today is that people relate sex with love and love with sex when really Love stands on its own and sex is a whole different realm. What if we think sex is necessarily in a relationship just because that is all we have ever really known? It has a lot to do with philosophy.. at least I feel it does. What we learn is what we believe and most people dont test beliefs... thats a really scary thought.. to go outside the norm.. Or atleast it is, why the heck is being different so scary. We are not all uniform who had to tell us that this is it or this is good or this is whats right or this is whats wrong. WE define that. WE get to choose. What is our own happiness. I think the smartest people are the ones that took risks to find the unknown. Isnt that what all this technology or gadgets or cars or houses or seriously anything is... just someone taking a risk to find something better. Putting things together that no one ever said would work or make anything.... who knew we would ever fly in the skys. SERIOUSLY why are we scared of the unordinary if the un ordinary is what gave us absolutely everything that we love today. GAH! my mind is going crazy.....

to calm it down. Be you. Always and everyday be you. With the most humble heart. This is what I want. I want to make people feel like they exist for a reason, and to know who they are.... to really know them.

Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts.  It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all.  ~William Temple

Stepping Stones

I haven't wrote about the gym in a minute. I have been going, and I have had my ups and downs as normal. I am on day 4 of going in a row, pretty pathetic? Or, a good thing? I believe its a good thing, we get out of habits but at least we don't just give up on them permanently. I haven't ever given up. That's what I really like about myself. I am constantly working towards what I want, and I have no doubt that Ill achieve it. I know I can, and every time I mess up and sit down and have to get back up I get better, I find more motivation.

That's really what this is about. Learning to never stop. I think I repeat the same things over and over to myself, but they are changing. Its very gradual. The gym has been great, I have felt like my back is growing and that is fun to see. I can tell by the way my shirts fit and when I stand up straight I can feel more muscle in my back flex. Its really fun to see and feel improvement no matter how small.

My life is really great right now, I cant really ask for much more... though im working on much more. Trying to always improve myself. I guess I mean its great in the aspect of my friends and where I am living. I enjoy all of it and all of the memories I have been making. I have had the chance to talk to a lot of new people recently and get to know them, though some have already gone its been an outstanding experience.

One huge thing that keep coming up in my life is the aspect of changing the mind... we clearly try to change our bodies and our appearances and what not. The truth to change starts and ends in the mind. What we know affects how we act and how we act is based upon what we know. Precisely. Knowledge is everything.  Knowledge is the key. It holds everything. It holds the ability to change appearance to change money situations to change relationships to change emotion to change grades to change outcomes to change abilities. The power of knowledge is unreal. I feel the thirst for it everyday.

"Learn something new.Try something different.Convince yourself that you have no limits."

Defining moments

My life is full of moments. It didn't used to be up until a couple years ago. I had always just lived in the past and complained about how bad my life had been and how depressed I was because of all the things that happened to me, but its true what they say... that we choose how we feel and things can not affect us, only we affect us.

I only have this moment. This moment where I get to pour my thoughts out on this page and everything else is going on around me. I feel like I somehow get myself thrown around from situation to situation and people come and go so fast that I cant exactly keep up with how I should be feeling, but sometimes at those really low points where you don't know whats real or not this little light starts to shine through. You have to capture it, you cant just let the only thing real and bright slip past you. That defines the moment.

What do you do with it? You either let it slip by or you stood up and grasp it in your hands and took it in and changed. Most the time if your sitting, you'll stay sitting. This is newton's law of motion to a tee. So, what do we do with it? I keep telling myself to stand up and just start running and keep running. Something in my mind always convinces me to sit down, and some how the motion stops and I have to have something hit me in the face before I stand up again. I am sick and tired of sitting down. I don't want to start and stop anymore. I just want to find a flow. I hate admitting this to myself, because I think I try to convince myself that I am a lot better than I actually am. In all honesty I am lying to myself a lot.

Now what...

How do we come to terms with the fact that we are slacking and we aren't doing enough. I feel like I need someone to tell me I can do more, but that is not true motivation. I feel like true motivation has to come from with in... but what if that is the problem. I keep trying to do everything on my own and I really just need someone to tell me I can do it and they believe in me. What would it even feel like to have someone to truly look into your soul and tell you that you can do it, do everything you've ever dreamed of.

I've always been alone. That is all I know, but my knowledge can change. There is hope.