Not Enough

There is a journey when you get to meet a new face. There is awkwardness of so many silent moments that not knowing a person cant quite fill. There is a time when you hang around them and you make up questions to just play a game. Theres moments when your not sure what exactly to say, or if they will think your crazy with the jokes you make. There is moments when your not sure you willing to spend the time to get passed this stage of a new face

There is all this effort made to build up to laughter and friendship. Then you feel it changing slowly... you see the moment when silence becomes less obvious and you start to slip into this comfy place. Where a new face becomes critical to your day.  When seeing them makes you miss them in every way. You start to realize the silent moments are filled with memories and the awkwardness has disappeared away.

You know this new face. You know their dreams, their goals, you know secrets that they have never told. You can hear their laughter even when they are not near. You know how they feel even when they try to hide their expressions. You know what makes them mad and what buttons to push just for fun. You know this person and they steal parts of your heart every day. You watch the way they treat others and know their intentions. You know how caring they are and what they would do for you with out mention. You know them... Atleast you think you know them.

But... One day it wont be enough. It wont be enough for you to be you and for them to laugh at the same jokes you tell. It wont be enough to give your friendship and be willing to do anything for them. They will want more. The more you can give. The pain will rush in and you will watch as all the time and all the memories get washed away. Like they didn't seem to exist in the first place. You will wake up one day and feel this pain in your chest and feel it pulse to your finger tips and you will hurt but you wont quite remember. The emptiness will only just linger.

Tears.

Theres a point when the strength you have starts to slip through your grip. When you thought the storm was calming and the clouds were clearing. When the sounds of agony were coming to a close.
Then you find yourself alone.
Alone with the thoughts that the damage can not be repaired. Alone with the thumping pain that radiates in your chest out and down to your finger tips. Alone with the warmth once more rolling down your cheeks and your sight becoming a little more unclear. Alone with emotions that you cant seem to bare.
Then the memories wont stop.
They wont stop running through your mind. They wont stop calling at your name, filling every corner of your mind. They wont stop reminding you of what you miss what you thought you would never need. They don't stop to let you catch your breath, they flash images at an uncontrolled speeds. They don't stop long enough to put up walls. The memories don't stop until they make your Knees buckle and bend. Leaving you Bruised and broken in the end...
Then the tears began to fall.

Strength

What can you say about strength. I can tell you how people define it about me. I can tell you what I hear so often I sometimes believe it to be a dream on repeat. "I wish I was as strong as you"I hear that echoing through my head... As strong as me? Where is your definition of strength coming from. You see me. You watch the actions I preform day in and day out. You say strength is dedication. You say strength is working out. You say strength is waking up early. You say strength is working hard. You say that strength is trying new things. You say strength is changing your life. You say strength is walking away from people that don't seem to fit your lifestyle. You say strength is never giving in. You say strength is me..So.. What is strength? If I am strong, by what people define me as. Strength is second guessing. Strength is being so tired but getting up to live another day. Strength is breaking down. Strength is crying harder that most people understand. Strength is not knowing who you are. Strength is being lost in your own thoughts. Strength is doubting what love is. Strength is wishing for a different sin. Strength is falling apart. Strength is not always being sure. Strength is never knowing how to be who I need. Strength is wondering how to live. Strength is wanting to run away. Strength is not knowing if I wanna wake up the next day... Have we defined it yet? There is nothing more real than our strong desire to define everything, but is the definition real? or... Is it just real because someone defined it?

Battles within ourselves are real. Love is real. Thoughts, feelings, pain, suffering, happiness, peace, and change are real. Whats real to you, and whats real to me. Those things will always be different. Never forget how different we are. The battle for happiness in life is shared, but I see your path and it is not mine. I see his path and it is not mine. I see her path and it is not mine.. The only thing that is mine I have not found yet but I am not done searching.



“The first step to change,... is accepting your reality right now. Honoring your process. Compassionate self-awareness leads to change; harsh self-criticism only holds the pattern in place, creating a stubborn and defensive Basic Self. Be gentle with yourself as you would with a child. Be gentle but firm. Give yourself the space to grow. But remember that the timing is in god's hands, not yours. page~147” 
― Dan Millman, Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior